Thursday, August 16, 2007

Alice - Chasing Rabbits

Seth is pulling at my blouse again; it’s become some kind of nightly ritual. Hot breath in my ear, and his tongue tracing the ridges, his other hand is at the back of my neck, and I’m getting all kinds of dizzy. That weird, electric glow growing between us and it’s like we’re feeding on each other or something, my hands are everywhere, his chest, his shoulders, his face, his hips, grasping and clawing, and sliding across his skin.

When his fingertips meet my nipples there is a great crashing wave through my body, my eyes are locked on the moon, lost in it, afraid of it, and wanting it. Knowing, just like I know that the bright question mark of stars above me is called ‘Cassiopeia’, that what Seth and I are doing will end me. As his lips find the skin between my breasts, that wave crests again, and I know Alice is watching.

She leaves me alone, mostly, on date nights, but I know the moon trumps all our best laid plans. I don’t blame her, that Cheshire-cat grin in the sky is all she really feels. She’s waiting her turn now, being patient, playing nice. She’s not fooling anyone; we both know she can rule me, just like we both know how much she needs me. And Seth mistakes the smile on my lips, he gnashes his teeth against my nipple, and misreads the air between my teeth and pulls away with a mumbled apology, I lose my orgasm to misinterpretation.

A few moments later our bodies twisting, repositioning, we work our way around each other’s skin like a pair of sex driven creatures. I’m on all fours, knees dirty, twigs and pebbles beneath them digging in, biting a little, hands bracing against the tree, breasts swinging free, Seth is behind me, his hands on my hips, bringing me to him, his cock, like steel, pressing into me, prying open the space between my legs. His need, so firm within me, feels like the whole world has entered me, like all of existence is being pounded into the center of me.

When it’s over, Seth walks me, as usual, as far as the park. Our paths home separate halfway down the path, and I hear his boot heels making their rubbery clomp as they fall on the concrete. My own soft soled trainers making almost no mark on the quiet summer night.

My eyes travel to the sky, its white grin starting something. I take a deep breath, and on my exhale am no longer steering. Just like when we were a kid and learned to ride our bike no-handed, I lean back inside myself and let go, and just like back then, I feel a rush of air across my face and an invisible force take over. It always scares me, a little, trusting something I can’t see or control, it also scares me how welcome that feeling really is.


I come in on Layla’s exhale, as though the air moving in our lungs were some sort of toggle switch between her and me. I barely have time to revel in my freedom when I hear a voice behind me.

“Hey ‘candy’”, the voice calls from the shadows, somewhere under the wide fan of the willow I’m passing, “got something sweet for me?”

“Fuck off” I hiss to him, and feel Layla shiver inside me.

“Oh!” He calls, “Tough little bitch are you? We can play it like that, if you want.” There is an amused tone in his voice, as though my retort has feed something in him. I turn, and lower my eyes onto him. I don’t need to try to make him see how big a mistake he wants to make right now. As I had guessed, the pathetic animal shrinks within himself, and I pass unmolested into the night. I can feel his eyes traveling over our body as I leave him, and something inside me knows that this dog will have to be put down.

I have to keep Layla from steering for the next few weeks, to make the arrangements. I’m as close to excited as I’ve ever felt, for years now, my Cheshire-cat moon has been calling me, wanting this, and promising this will make life real for me. I want to share, at least part of this with her, but I know she’ll have no taste for it, the moon doesn’t have the same hold on her, she’s real, I’m something else.

It’s been a long month, waiting, pretending to feel, kissing Seth for Layla so she won’t lose him, and trying not to vomit while his greedy hands work my body. He’s frustrated because Layla doesn’t come beneath him while he uses her, I can’t tell him why that is. He also doesn’t understand why I won’t let him walk her through the park anymore. I can’t tell him that it’s best the animal who lives there forgets he ever saw us.

When I’m ready for him, I find the dog in the same place I left him, under the willow tree in the moonlight, my smiling Lord, has returned to bless my actions tonight. He’s dosing, a light snore escaping him on random breaths. Any fear, or second thoughts are cancelled as I my eyes focus on his right hand, a pair of bikini-briefs adorned with little red cherry blossoms are clenched within it, the smooth wet reflection from the lamplight tells me he’s used them recently, the coppery smell of semen fills my nostrils and feeds my desire to end it for him. To give this animal that sweetest of release.

Working quickly, carefully, I bind him, my foot kicking an empty vodka bottle as I cross his left side, drunk and post coital, he’s made this almost too easy for me. He only wakes when I have him completely trussed to the tree, and am shoving those panties deep into his throat. His eyes open, confused, and widen as he seems to recognize me.

Naked beneath my clear plastic rain coat, I know our body will distract him enough for me to keep control. I raise my blade above him and begin my work for the first time, and really feel our heart beating rapidly in our chest. I hear Layla screaming in my mind, and block her voice. She still hasn’t learned to go away, she still has to sit and watch, but right now I’m so real, so alive that I almost wish she didn’t have to share. I get a little excited in my work, and feel the creature’s blood splashing this way and that leaving trails along the walls of my coat, the heavy plastic keeping me clean, but still allowing the heat to come through to me.

I know what an orgasm feels like, because Layla’s are strong and she can’t help but share them with me, I’d never felt my own until this moment, the salted wine spraying across my barely covered skin, the power of this gift feeding into all the other sensations.

Just as the moon promised I am alive tonight, I am real, and now, I’m sure, I can never stop.